I finally deleted our chat history like you wanted.
At first, it was just the smiles it brought to my face. The inside jokes, the way you miserably failed at flirting, the kissing emojis that were sent “by mistake”, the desperate wait for everyone to fall asleep in my house so we could talk.
You know how when you clean your cupboard and find things you didn’t know you had? That’s how our conversation was to me. I re-read every message trying to figure out where it fell apart. Why was I the one still clinging on when you had found your closure. Was I searching for closure in those messages?
They kept me awake instead of your calls.
I still can’t sleep, but I will stop blaming you. I will stop scratching my wounds now and let it bleed. Slowly my memories will fade.
Maybe, this was why you wanted them deleted.
Maybe you just wanted me to heal.
How could you be mad at me for loving someone the way I wanted to love you?
Why is it that you only see how valuable I am when someone else cares for me.
I guess the saying is right… One person’s trash is another one’s treasure.
However I was never trash it’s just I was never something you treasured.
They say I’m stupid to hope for us to happen, but not being able to see your flaws. They don’t know the way I feel about you, but I will not bother you by letting you know. I will just bid a simple goodbye, but will not let you make me fall in love more. I will miss you silently from a different time zone, but will never ask you to miss me. I will keep looking for you in everyone I meet, but will never be able to replace you. I will always hope you get best of everything, but will never ask why wasn’t I not worth it. I will love you with all my heart, but will never let it reach to your part of the world…
Never beg for someone’s trust. Never seek for someone’s commitment.
Never beg for someone’s love. You shouldn’t have to run behind someone to be with you, you shouldn’t have to beg someone to stay with you, and you shouldn’t have to beg someone to understand you It’s not supposed to be that way and if they cared about you at all, they wouldn’t ever make you beg for anything from them.A person who cares about you will show you consistency and no, that doesn’t mean he or she will constantly remind you of what you mean to them, but you’ll just know based off of how they naturally treat you.Everything you’re begging for should already be a given and if it isn’t, then that’s something they need to acknowledge and understand and if they don’t, then that just means they don’t want to give you what you need, stop wasting your time on someone like that.You shouldn’t be feeling low enough wanting this person to see how hurt you are, so please don’t beg to be cared for because it’s degrading and it’s demeaning and you are so much better than that.Remember, if you have to run, beg and remind someone constantly of your worth, THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT.
Spending time with you showed me what I’ve been missing in my life. The more time we spent together, the more I could imagine it lasting in the future. That never happened to me before and I’m not sure It’ll ever happen again. I’ve never been in love with anyone before you came along – not real love anyway…not like this. And I’d be a fool if I let you slip away without a fight.
I sincerely hope that your soul finds peace. You broke me, but it was only because you were broken. I will heal because I know I need to, but I worry that you will never realize that you are in need of healing.